I like a good formula. When you put together the right pieces, you get an expected result. It works in math, it works in conjugating verbs in Spanish (sometimes...?), it works in physics. I think we would like to believe that while formulas work for all that academic stuff, when it comes to human emotion, there's no way what we feel could be deconstructed into something so simple. I thought that for a really long time.
I recently read a really convincing article that had the formula for successful relationships all figured out. I think, if I look back, I can apply this to pretty much every relationship I've ever had. And not just romantic ones, friendships too. Are you ready for it? You sure? It's probably going to make you stop and do some serious thinking (if you're like me, at least). Ok. Here it is:
Seems simple, right? On the surface, it absolutely is. Say you are in a really good place, ready to start dating. School/work/family/friends/everything in your life is going real decent and you say "Hey! Why not?" You meet someone who, on paper (or through what your friends who set you up say), is supposed to be perfect for you. Nice, funny, good-looking, good job, not a secret murderer, doesn't want to puke everytime you say what you do for a living (midwife problems..), etc. The date is really nice..but you feel absolutely nothing. You're thinking about the leftover pad Thai in your fridge and the literally 145 episodes of "Friends" on your DVR that you could be watching instead of having dinner with this perfectly good person. No chemistry, even if the timing is perfect, does not equal a successful relationship. This part, the no chemistry part, makes perfect sense to me.
You know what part is the literal worst? The timing part. You can have all the chemistry in the world, find someone who you can do absolutely nothing with all day and it's the best day ever, someone who you would give up your free time for so y'all could find and watch that absolutely crucial episode of "It's Always Sunny", but if the timing is off for one (or both) of you...well, there really isn't much you can do. Just as you can't snap your fingers and make chemistry appear out of thin air, you can't snap your fingers and immediately make someone's schedule fit yours. It's going to hurt and you're going to be frustrated beyond belief, but it is what it is. All that "if it's meant to be, it will be" cliche stuff (gross).
You can't change the chemistry part. It's either there or it's not, and that's okay. But time, well, it has a funny way of going forward no matter what happens. You can fight timing as much as you want to, but lately, I've started thinking maybe it's better to just let it gracefully pass. It's going to anyways.
So timing+chemistry. Here are some songs to jam to.
1. "The Way I Loved You"-Taylor Swift. Timing, no chemistry. "He's charming and endearing, and I'm....comfortable". Eeeeeeeek.
2. "Stupid Boy"-Keith Urban. Chemistry, bad timing. Also, amazing guitar solo.
3. "Comfortable"-John Mayer. This song. It has both types. And it compares them and the difference between who your friends say "is gonna be good for you" and who you miss is all too real. "She swears that she's artsy, but you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane"
4. "When I Was Your Man"- Bruno Mars. Ask my roommate Jess how I feel about this song. It's too much.
5. "One"-Ed Sheeran. My latest obsession is Ed's new album. This song is about waiting to find the right timing. It's really beautiful. "Everything changes, but you know we'll be strangers if we see this through".
6. "Stitched Up"-Herbie Hancock feat. John Mayer. He finds this perfect girl, but he doesn't really want to settle down yet. And the beat is really fun.