I like to plan. I'm organized about really weird things. I have a bill binder (copied from my sister) that has a worksheet for all our bills and places them neatly together, month by month. My school stuff has to be perfectly in order and together or I get super annoyed. I love to plan parties and outings or movie nights. I also try to plan my future. Seriously, I'm the girl looking at job listings for nurse-midwives two years before I graduate "just to get an idea of the market".
I also try to plan for people. Lately, I've found myself trying to compartmentalize and make roles for people in my life. When they fall short, I get frustrated, even though they had no clue that I had this plan of who they should be in my head. I have these ideas, these plans of how things should progress. And sometimes, a lot of the time, they don't work. Things get said, or don't get said, that mess up that little plan I had and I get that wake-up call that tells me I can't plan for things like this. I overthink and overanalyze.
I talked about this the other night with a very good friend. She isn't a big fan of talking about emotional stuff, but whenever we do, they are really great conversations. I like them a lot. Anyways, I told her "If you got to choose all the nice, neat things in life, you'd miss out on the wonderful messy things. Sometimes, those are the best". This is one of those times when I so clearly need to listen to my own advice. Sometimes, something so great comes out of something so incredibly messy and complicated. I've seen it happen. But I've also seen perfectly made plans fall apart. Once things get off track of that vision you so neatly made, you give up. My goal from now on (is it too early for New Year's resolutions??) is to embrace the mess. To stop trying to fit people, relationships, moments into this idea I have of what they should be. To stop planning and overanalyzing and overthinking and just let it go.
Here are some songs I've been listening to that remind me of this idea.
1. "The Middle"-Jimmy Eat World. "It just takes some time, little girl, you in the middle of the ride". I like the idea of being in the middle. Knowing the past, knowing the now. But the future? No clue. I'm learning to be okay with that.
2. "Everything Will Be Alright"-Matt Wertz. "Why do we try, when it always turns out fine? Everything will be alright". Word.
3. "Then"-Brad Paisley. This song makes me so happy. So, basically, the guy goes through his life not believing he could ever be any more in love with this girl. Every big event in their lives, he says "and I thought I loved you then". This song reminds me that we have no idea of the great things that can happen.
4. "Stupid Boy"-Keith Urban. Besides the crazy-awesome guitar solo, the words in the songs always give me chills. The girl had plans, the boy didn't.
5. "Free"-Zac Brown Band. They live out of a van. They drive around the country. No plan. No money. And they are happy.
6. "I Saw"- Matt Nathanson. "I saw pictures in my head, I saw you opening up again". Heads up, what he see isn't what happens.
7. "The Way I Loved You"- Taylor Swift. She is with the guy who would fit a perfect plan of whatever you'd want in a relationship. But, she misses the messy and frustrating guy. "He's charming and endearing and I'm...comfortable". Ouch.
8. "As Lovers Go"-Dashboard Confessional. "Don't complicate it by hesitating". I love every line in this song.
9. "Ships in the Night"-Mat Kearney. "And if it all goes crashing into the sea, if it's just you and me, trying to find a light". This song is a good reminder not to run away when things don't go how you wanted them to.
10. "Last Train Home"-Ryan Starr. "The sun was coming down when I said 'Can't you just believe?". This song is about an imperfect relationship. Her dad isn't a fan of him, it's all messy. I love the line "Can't you just believe?" It doesn't have to be difficult, just keep the faith.
11. "Head or Your Heart"-Mat Kearney. "Choose one, baby, your head or your heart. Is this the game I've played from the start?". This song is just really great. I love Mat.
Morale of the story: Messes can be beautiful. Plans can be broken. Just go with it.
Love, love, love