This Summer.

Oh, Summer. I really don't think there is any other season that has so much expectation attached to it. Summer vacations. Summer reading (nerd alert). Summer love. You know, all the good stuff. When this summer started, I had just graduated college and said goodbye to some of the people who know me best in this world. That wasn't fun. I spent a lot of time in the hospital, getting to take care of some really wonderful people. I stumbled over the same things I always stumble over and I'm still finding my footing, but I think that's okay. I'm 22. It is okay.

 Now, here we are in August. I've finished my first year of nursing school and am spending a few weeks with family and friends back in Georgia. I sleep in the room I grew up in and keep finding notes or little reminders of things rather left forgotten. Growing up is a tricky business. I'm falling asleep with my laptop open and playing iTunes again, something I haven't done in awhile. It's totally my version of a nightlight. Maybe you shouldn't need that at my old age. Whatevs. I've been jamming to a lot of (I think) really fantastic songs this season. Songs I've unapologetically been making my friends listen to on repeat when they are in my car. Songs that have made it on to the "Can't sleep, it's 3am" playlist.

Here are a few of them:
 1. "Lego House (Acoustic)"-Ed Sheeran. "And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now".
 2."More Like Her"-Miranda Lambert. "You don't look much like a man from where I'm at". Sometimes, the really great boy who makes you smile turns out to be a big ol' liar who likes to passive aggressively end things over a text. Lesson learned.
 3. "Wanted"-Hunter Hayes. I like this. It's lovely. It makes me want to play in the ocean. Totally summer. His whole album is great. "All You Ever" knocked my socks off with its honesty.
 4."Come Over"- Kenny Chesney. I just love Kenny. This is another song that's pretty dang up front. It's never that simple, is it?
 5. "Ho Hey"-The Lumineers. I liked the melody before I noticed the words. That is extremely rare for me. Then I noticed the words rocked, too.
 6. "Brick"-Ben Folds Five. I didn't mean for this playlist to be so #dark. This song...man. I just love Ben Folds.
 7. "Both of Us"- B.o.B and Taylor Swift. There. Less emo. I like the unity this song wants. I agree with it. Also, the video was filmed in Nash and featured Bolton's Chicken. Holla hey.

 Okay. There are some jams. However, if I was being completely honest, my #1 played song this summer is probably "Call Me Maybe". It's just so freaking catchy. And, who doesn't love a good group sing along?

 love, love, love

 

Red Lights.

Remember that feeling when you were 15 and left the DMV with a brand new permit? I still vividly remember the first time I drove with my dad, praying for a red light so I could slow down, take a deep breath, and try not to accidentally run his car off the road. Then 15 became 16 and then 22 and somewhere in between all that, I began to embrace the craziness that is being a driver from Atlanta. We will tailgate you like it's going out of style and we all know that 60mph on I-75 really means (at least) 70. I remember racing through yellow lights so I wouldn't be late, wouldn't have to slow down. Life was a constant rush of always going somewhere.

Now, I'm a month out from the official end of my four years at Vanderbilt. Four of the most beautifully life-changing years I could have ever imagined, filled with friends and experiences that have shaped the way I see just about everything. As amazing and fun as college was, I often feel like we raced through it all, running yellow lights and not following speed limits. This last year has been the fastest, searching for graduate schools or jobs. Looking for new houses or new cities. These days, when I think about the future, I just picture a giant, red stop light. I've realized I could use a chance for everything to just stop. To put on the brakes, if we really want to drag this driving analogy out. If I could freeze some of these recent moments, I would in a second.

Here are some songs about things changing or wanting to slow things down so you can take a deep breath and try to stay on the road.

1. "Stop This Train"-John Mayer
2. "All We Are"-OneRepublic
3."Be Still"-The Fray (Their new album, "Scars and Stories", is amazing!!!)
4. "Best Days"-Graham Colton (This was our graduation song for high school. It's so perfect)
5. "Free Falling"-John Mayer (or the Tom Petty version...your choice)
6. "More Time"-Needtobreathe
7. "Please Turn Red"-Andy Davis


Love, love, love

Bye, 2011. Hello, 2012.

I remember when 2012 seemed so out of reach. When I realized, that if I was lucky enough, this would be the year I graduated from college. I wondered who I'd be when 2012 got here, what I'd like, what I'd want. It's finally here and it feels good. Safe, even. I spent the last days of 2011 and the first of 2012 with I people I love, people who have been better to me than I could ever dream of or deserve.

2011 was a funny year. I met people who have challenged the way I think and act (in such a good way). I said goodbye to people who were only really ever good at bringing me down. I realized, more this year than ever before, that your words matter. What you say, or what you hold back, it has such an incredible power. You can break a heart or put one back together with just a few seemingly simple words. You can make someone smile or laugh with the things you say. You can make them confused or frustrated with the things you don't. This year taught me to just say what I want to. Even if it's scary and even if you play it back in your head whenever you can't fall asleep. At least you did something to break the silence, and not everybody can say that.

2012 will be a big year. I'm excited for it. Over dinner on New Year's Eve, some of my friends and I discovered our motto for this crazy year that will be full of the unknown: "Bring it on, Mayans". So, here are some new songs that I've started this year with:

1. "Come Around"-Rosi Golan. Pianos and honesty might be two of my favorite sounds. This song has both.
2. "Safe and Sound"-Taylor Swift featuring the Civil Wars. Such a different sound for T.Swift. It's perfect for the "Hunger Games".
3. "On Your Own"-Green River Ordinance."You gotta go, you'll never know how it all will turn out". I like this.
4. "Don't Let it Go to Your Head'-Fefe Dobson. I found this song on a CD from 2005. It's sassy and spectacular. I like to sing it at the top of my lungs in the car.
5. "Our Last Night"- Better than Ezra. "You meant more to me then than I think you ever knew".
6."Seventeen"-Mat Kearney. This song is about growing up. It's been a good year for that.
7. "The One That Got Away"-Boyce Avenue. Love the Katy Perry version, but we all know I've got a soft spot for acoustic guitars. This is good.
8. "I Like it Like That"- Hot Chelle Rae. Unexpected? This song makes me want to roll the windows down and pretend like it is summer. This summer was really great.

Happy New Year.

Love, love , love

Lyrics, Pt.3

I hope these posts aren't becoming too frequent. I like them. I have a note on my computer that I am constantly adding lyrics to, but I'm trying to stop myself from posting them every day. Instead, I wait until I have a final on Tuesday and I should be studying. Oh, well.

Again, these lyrics are just what have jumped out at me lately. Whether it's a new song that I've just found or an older one that suddenly has a new meaning, I like these words.

1. "I don't love you, but I always will"- "Poison & Wine"-The Civil Wars. I can't stop listening to this song. It makes me want to sit in front a fireplace with tea. It's a wonderful duet.

2. "All we have is this very moment"-"I Don't Want to Wait"-Paula Cole. Throwback jam. 'Sup, "Dawson's Creek"?.

3. "I find you stunning, but you are running me down"- "Sort Of"-Ingrid Michaelson. I had to replay this about 10 times to make sure I heard it correctly. This song literally took my breath away.

4. "I've missed you, but I haven't met you"- "To Whom it May Concern"- The Civil Wars. They get two songs in one post because their album is PERFECT. And nominated for a Grammy! This song is about wanting to meet "the one" (I rolled my eyes as I typed that..sorry for being cheesy). Anyways, it's a very beautiful song.

5. "Where will I be when I stop wondering why?"-"Champagne High"-Sister Hazel. This song is about the person you loved marrying someone else. Ugh.

6. "When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am"-"Iris"- Goo Goo Dolls. Favorite band. Hands down. I just think this line is really beautiful.

7. "May these memories break our fall"-"Long Live"-Taylor Swift. I need the next five months to go by very, very slowly.

8. "I got a really good heart, I just can't catch a break"-"Two"-Ryan Adams. I love this guy. "Love is Hell Pt. 1" and "Heartbreaker" are two of my favorite albums ever.

9. "I was only there to sing your song. What were you protecting yourself from?"-"Mixtape"-Jimmy Eat World.

10. "I'm lookin' forward to the memories of right now"- "Unforgettable"- Drake. I love Drizzy.


Love, love, love.

Plans

I like to plan. I'm organized about really weird things. I have a bill binder (copied from my sister) that has a worksheet for all our bills and places them neatly together, month by month. My school stuff has to be perfectly in order and together or I get super annoyed. I love to plan parties and outings or movie nights. I also try to plan my future. Seriously, I'm the girl looking at job listings for nurse-midwives two years before I graduate "just to get an idea of the market".

I also try to plan for people. Lately, I've found myself trying to compartmentalize and make roles for people in my life. When they fall short, I get frustrated, even though they had no clue that I had this plan of who they should be in my head. I have these ideas, these plans of how things should progress. And sometimes, a lot of the time, they don't work. Things get said, or don't get said, that mess up that little plan I had and I get that wake-up call that tells me I can't plan for things like this. I overthink and overanalyze.

I talked about this the other night with a very good friend. She isn't a big fan of talking about emotional stuff, but whenever we do, they are really great conversations. I like them a lot. Anyways, I told her "If you got to choose all the nice, neat things in life, you'd miss out on the wonderful messy things. Sometimes, those are the best". This is one of those times when I so clearly need to listen to my own advice. Sometimes, something so great comes out of something so incredibly messy and complicated. I've seen it happen. But I've also seen perfectly made plans fall apart. Once things get off track of that vision you so neatly made, you give up. My goal from now on (is it too early for New Year's resolutions??) is to embrace the mess. To stop trying to fit people, relationships, moments into this idea I have of what they should be. To stop planning and overanalyzing and overthinking and just let it go.

Here are some songs I've been listening to that remind me of this idea.

1. "The Middle"-Jimmy Eat World. "It just takes some time, little girl, you in the middle of the ride". I like the idea of being in the middle. Knowing the past, knowing the now. But the future? No clue. I'm learning to be okay with that.

2. "Everything Will Be Alright"-Matt Wertz. "Why do we try, when it always turns out fine? Everything will be alright". Word.

3. "Then"-Brad Paisley. This song makes me so happy. So, basically, the guy goes through his life not believing he could ever be any more in love with this girl. Every big event in their lives, he says "and I thought I loved you then". This song reminds me that we have no idea of the great things that can happen.

4. "Stupid Boy"-Keith Urban. Besides the crazy-awesome guitar solo, the words in the songs always give me chills. The girl had plans, the boy didn't.

5. "Free"-Zac Brown Band. They live out of a van. They drive around the country. No plan. No money. And they are happy.

6. "I Saw"- Matt Nathanson. "I saw pictures in my head, I saw you opening up again". Heads up, what he see isn't what happens.

7. "The Way I Loved You"- Taylor Swift. She is with the guy who would fit a perfect plan of whatever you'd want in a relationship. But, she misses the messy and frustrating guy. "He's charming and endearing and I'm...comfortable". Ouch.

8. "As Lovers Go"-Dashboard Confessional. "Don't complicate it by hesitating". I love every line in this song.

9. "Ships in the Night"-Mat Kearney. "And if it all goes crashing into the sea, if it's just you and me, trying to find a light". This song is a good reminder not to run away when things don't go how you wanted them to.

10. "Last Train Home"-Ryan Starr. "The sun was coming down when I said 'Can't you just believe?". This song is about an imperfect relationship. Her dad isn't a fan of him, it's all messy. I love the line "Can't you just believe?" It doesn't have to be difficult, just keep the faith.

11. "Head or Your Heart"-Mat Kearney. "Choose one, baby, your head or your heart. Is this the game I've played from the start?". This song is just really great. I love Mat.

Morale of the story: Messes can be beautiful. Plans can be broken. Just go with it.

Love, love, love

Thank you, Steve

I got my first iPod when I was 14 years old. It was a mini and probably one of the only pink things I've ever owned. I found it this summer and it only works on my Bose sound dock, but listening to it has brought back the most surreal memories. While I grew up loving music (my parents instilled that in me long, long ago), it was this first iPod that really opened up the enchanting, magical, captivating world of music to me.

At fourteen, I was a little unsure of a lot of things. What was I going to be when I grew up, where was I sitting at lunch, who would I go to Homecoming with...all of those seemed to be pretty earth-shattering freshman year of high school. Whenever I felt something that I felt I couldn't put into words, I turned to that little pink machine. It was a safety net, a therapist, a reassurance that I wasn't the only one dealing with whatever I was dealing with. I can't begin to count the nights that I fell asleep with those earbuds in.

As I've gotten older, a lot has changed. It's no longer decisions about college, Homecoming, or who to sit with at lunch. It's jobs. It's leaving home. It's falling in, or out of, love. While all that is different, the way I process it isn't. I still put on my headphones, still press "shuffle", and still listen as song after song says what I always want to (or sometimes they say what I do say, those are fun). I walk around campus with my big, black headphones on and maybe some people think that's rude or that I'm ignoring the world around me. It's actually quite the opposite; I think I see everything (and everyone) a bit brighter when my iPod is on.

I always joke that my most-played songs could tell you more about me than I could, but it's probably true. While the songs I listened to on that pink iPod mini are different than the ones on my iTouch, they still mean the same to me. They still make sense out of what is sometimes senseless, good or bad.

So, Steve Jobs, thank you. Thank you for creating the technology that has seen me through more than I could ever say. Thank you for giving me a way to escape from the craziness for a little bit or that gave me a way to define it. Thanks for all the nights I have just closed my eyes and listened. Thank you for the days I get to dance around my room like a fool to the songs playing from my iTunes. While it is quite obvious you changed the entire world, it is just as obvious that you changed mine.

Rest in peace.

With much love and gratitude from the 14 year old me and the 21 year old one,

More Lyrics

This is installment 2 of my lyrics post (read 2 posts down if you need an update). I love that feeling when you hear a lyric for the first time and have to rewind the song immediately and replay it again and again. It still amazes me when a song can take what you are feeling, however complex or twisty you think it is, and wrap it up in 3 and a half minutes. I think that's pretty magical.

Anyways, here are some more lyrics to add to my "write on your arms" list that I wouldn't mind people seeing because they say what I want to better than I could, but in a non-committal henna tattoo sort of way.

1. "Waiting for something to set fire, wake up my soul"- "All the Faint Lights"- Steve Moakler.

2. "Haven't you noticed the way I look at you?"- "Naked"- South Jordan. (This song is so perfect in an awkwardly honest way)

3. "We'll be better then, maybe we could start all over again"- "Never Easy"- Kurt Nilson (I think he is Swedish. Potentially)

4."You don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you"- "Playing God"- Paramore.

5. "I'd rather have no love than to know love like this"- "I'd Rather Be Lonely"- Tyler Hilton.

6. "Everybody has to get their hands on gold, and I want uncharted"- "Uncharted"-Sara Bareilles

7. "So let go, time knows something we don't"-"Somebody's Gonna Love You"-Matt Wertz

8. "A heart don't forget something like that"- "Something Like That"- Tim McGraw

9. "All the time, it a'int nothin' on my mind but Georgia"- "Georgia"-Ludacris and Field Mob. (Gotta holla to the homestate)

10. "Excuse me while I fall for you"- "Hesitate"-Steve Moakler (he gets two shoutouts because his lyrics are that good...really, this whole song is magical)

Hopefully this makes sense to those of you who aren't crazy lyric people like me :)

Love, love, love